timjim (timjim) wrote,
timjim
timjim

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Things to make one smile...

THE MOMMY TEST 

  
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. 
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. 
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," .I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the
Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently  pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's
> > office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
> >
> > "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
> >
> > The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
> > then
> > she pushes her elbow and screams in even
> > more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her
> > ankle
> > and screams.
> >
> > Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
> >
> > The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"    "Well, no"
> > she
> > says, "I'm actually a blonde."
> >
> > "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Office Complaint Gone Bad

Every day, a male coworker walks up very close to
a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a
big breath of air and tells her that her hair
smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,
takes her complaint to a supervisor in the
personnel department and states that she wants to
file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resource supervisor is puzzled by this
decision and asks, "what's sexually threatening
about a coworker telling you your hair smells
nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is very funny!

> > A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and
she
> presented each child in her class the first half of a well known
> proverb
> and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's
hard
> to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight
> may
> surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first
> graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
> >
> > 1. Don't change horses.........................until they stop
> running.
> >
> > 2. Strike while the........................................bug is
> close
> >
> > 3. It's always darkest before....................Daylight Saving
> Time.
> >
> > 4. Never underestimate the power of ........ termites.
> >
> > 5. You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?
> >
> > 6. Don't bite the hand that ..................... looks dirty.
> >
> > 7. No news
> is................................................impossible.
> >
> > 8. A miss is as good as a .............................. Mr.
> >
> > 9. You can't teach an old dog new ............... math.
> >
> > 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ...... stink in the morning.
> >
> > 11. Love all, trust ................................... me.
> >
> > 12. The pen is mightier than the ................. pigs.
> >
> > 13. An idle mind is..............................the best way to
> relax.
> >
> > 14. Where there's smoke there's ................ pollution.
> >
> > 15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the
> presents.
> >
> > 16. A penny saved is ................................ not much.
> >
> > 17. Two's company, three's ..................... the Musketeers.
> >
> > 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what .......... you put on to go
to
> bed.
> >
> > 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you
> have to blow your nose
> >
> > 20. There are none so blind as .................. Stevie Wonder.
> >
> > 21. Children should be seen and not ........... spanked or
grounded.
> >
> > 22. If at first you don't succeed ....... get new batteries.
> >
> > 23. You get out of something only what you . ......see in the
> picture
> on the box.
> >
> > 24. When the blind lead the blind ................. get out of the
> way.
> >
> > And the WINNER and last one!
> >
> >
> > 25. Better late than ...................................pregnant.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

7 reasons not to mess with children.

      A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

      The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its
throat was very small.

      The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

      Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow
a human; it was physically impossible.

      The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

      The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

      The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".



      A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children
while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.

      As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she
asked what the drawing was.

      The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

      The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks
like."

      Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."



      A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with
her five and six year olds.

      After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat
our brothers and sisters?"

      Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."



      One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette
head.

      She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some
of your hairs white, Mom?"

      Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong
and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

      The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"



      The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was
trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

      "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all
grown up and say,'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
He's a doctor.'

      A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher, she's dead."



      A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on
my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the face."

      "Yes," the class said.

      "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

      A little fellow shouted,
      "Cause your feet ain't empty."



      The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile
of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

      "Take only ONE. God is watching."

      Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

      A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching
the apples.



      It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember
if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too.



      - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells  the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains.  He  assures her they have a good selection of pink  curtains.  He shows her many textures, prints and hues of  pink fabrics.  Once she has finally picked out a pink  floral pattern, the salesman asked her "What sizes do you  need?"

 She replies "15 inches."

 He exclaims "15 INCHES?! What room are they for?"  She says, "I only need one, and it's not for a room.  It's  for my computer  monitor."

 The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not
 have curtains."
 
 The blond says "HELLOOooooooo.... I've got Windows!" 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

>

> >

> >One day while they were walking past the hospital

>swimming pool, Jim

>suddenly jumped into the deep end and sunk to the

>bottom of the pool.

>Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the

>bottom and pulled

>Jim out.

> >

> >When the medical director was made aware of Edna's

>heroic act, he

>immediately ordered her to be discharged from the

>hospital, as he now

>considered her to be mentally stable.

> >

> >When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I

>have good news

>and

>bad news. The good news is you're being discharged.

>Since you were

>able

>to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and

>saving the life of

>another patient, I have concluded that your act

>displays sound

>mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you

>saved, hung himself

>right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in

>the bathroom. I am

>so sorry, but he's

> >dead."

> >

> >Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there

>to dry. How soon

>can I go home?
-------------------------------------------------------------------

ok im tired i gotta go good bye and nuh night.....

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